Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Duck Duck Cougar?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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