My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
