Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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