I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Randomize