I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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