He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
