i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
