just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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