1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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