Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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