Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Randomize
