yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize