Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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