Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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