I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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