I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize