put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
