Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
