I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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