we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
