I'm lost and stupid without you.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Randomize