My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
