I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
