sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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