I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
