the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
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