the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
