I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
