i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
