Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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