i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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