I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
