Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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