First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Randomize
