It's just like the Real World with babies
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
