I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
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