Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i think my cat just said my name.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
