I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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