Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
