he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
