Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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