By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize