so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
