Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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