It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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