I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
