Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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