so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
