Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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