the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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