my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
