i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you told grandpa to call you daddy
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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